All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Dicks are not precious.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
