I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
