my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
