he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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