whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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