Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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