The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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