Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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