Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
