When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
