She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
