I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
