im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
