Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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