our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
