Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
