if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
