a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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