Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
not ubering you a puppy
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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