i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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