All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
