Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
and you said cock pushups were impossible
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
