she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
