just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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