you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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