If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Just puked most of my soul out..
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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