I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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