i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
