Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
