just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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