My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
