Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize