there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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