we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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