What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
