so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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