im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
