To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize