the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
