I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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