In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I believe in your delicious
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
