Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize