in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
