Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
