I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
