Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
