you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
