I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
