she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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