so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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