I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
