I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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