I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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