The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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