you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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