I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
