i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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