Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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