Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
