..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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