I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
