The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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