She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
