my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
