all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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