every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
This toilet bowl is my home.
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