the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize